You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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