i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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