Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
