Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
