I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
