I can't watch pbs sober anymore
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
