Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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