can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dignity is for republicans.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
