you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
