Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
