Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
