oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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