I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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