i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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