I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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