so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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