I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
