i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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