Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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