you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
