I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
where are my eyebrows?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
