I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
