What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
home. puking in laundry basket.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
