I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
