bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm getting married
To pizza
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The air taste purple.
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