my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
