Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
