Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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