the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
