You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
