Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
