You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
