dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
