Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
