That's when you crack a 10am beer
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
