the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
