I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
