if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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