I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
