That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
