gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
