woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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