I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
