I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
