so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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