Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I met the friendliest cop last night
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
don't judge my taste in strippers
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
