Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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