No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
