Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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