Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
