Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
