yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
